Journal 12

WHY HELLO THAR. This truly is an exciting tale aint it? Yeah the answer is yes. Stupid.

SO I got up and approached the counter. I said to the guy standing there "HEY you never supplied my mustardy needs!" Still no response from the guy. "Fine just tell me where the head cook is like last time." He pointed to the same blobular woman and I just couldn't believe my eyes. She was drinking pepsi. THATS JUST PLAIN RIDICULOUS. PEPSI? DRINKING? I ran up to her and said, "No no no not in MY starbucks." She then ran out the store screaming "ME AND PEPSI TOGETHER FOREVER"

Wow. Unexpected results.

I then sat on the counter and asked this old man about his dessert. He CLAIMED it was delicious but I didn't like the look in his eye. So I called him a big ol' liar and slapped him across the face. Then mid-slap the head chef walked in. "Ze Pepsi vand I had ze arguvent. Ve shall now exchange ze deeshwasher vith ze information about Gaklama Kalama." AND WE DID. YEAH WE SHURE DID DO THAT. "Gaklama Kalama iz in ze fowntain at ze Zentral Park and he iz zcrubbin hiz toe"

Again. JFK. Plane flight. YEAH!

Then I realized. I got on the wrong plane. This plane was heading straight for Atlantis! CENTRAL PARK! IS NOT IN ATLANTIS! The only tourist attractions in Atlantis are jellyfish and peanut butter. And bread. Wet bread. Cause atlantis is underwater. But fish like wet bread. So there's not so much wet bread left in Atlantis. Wet bread is an endangered species in Atlantis. That's what I think. You wanna know what else I think? I think that Republicans are wrong in so many ways. On so many levels. So. Many. *shudder*

I ran into the cockpit of the plane. But it was empty. Cause pilots are outdated. I ran around screaming, naked, like a maniac. But there are some things wrong with that description.

1) I wasn't naked.

2) I wasn't running.

3) In fact, I wasn't even screaming.d

5) Airplanes haven't been invented yet and therefore pilots can't possibly be outdated.

N) No way, Steve. Not possible. That is defini

4) tely not possible, our studies of metaphysics aren't nearly as advanced!!

Could you catch all the things wrong with the description now? Can you? Can you catch them all?

(POKEMON!)

With all that being said, a stewardess kindly asked me to return to my seat and buckle in NICE AND TIGHT cause I was disturbing the peace, which was apparently NOT COOL! I told her to shut her face and then she sat down and told me that I was fat. Permanent wound man permanent wound.

The flight was short and brief. It probably lasted about an hour since apparently Atlantis is just off the coast of South America. WHAT ARE THE CHANCESS?! So then we crashed into the ocean and there was much screaming and crying and pooping and dancing and laughing and a couple monkeys here and there too. The pilot then said "Okay all you losers get off the fricken boat before I call the cops." I then ran up to him, shook his hand, and gave him a thousand dollar tip.

I then tripped and fell face first off the boat and into the water. The water was warm and purple. Like a sweater.

I like sweaters.

The people behind me said "AY. GO GET YO PANTS ON BOI." I looked down to see that they were right! My pants! Were back in Lima! I guessed that I probably took them off after that CRRRAZZY night at the orthadontist. He took my pants off. To look at my teeth.

Now that's a bit fishy.

I then yelled at everyone to SHUTUP and go to the underground sewers and swim. (it was all I could come up with within a few seconds.) They gave me a puzzled look but then jumped into the water and swam lower and lower and lower and lower and higher and lower and diagnally and lower and then they found ATLANTIS! WOWZERS! I asked the guy with the nose if there's anyway to get back to land and to catch a plane to New York. He knew exactly what he was gonna say and said it. He said "...................................nope" and I kicked him really hard in the face.

But I didn't care what the guy with the nose said. He has a nose. What does he know about anything? Nothin. Yeah nothin I said it. I went all the way down to Atlantis with the rest of the peeps and I saw this big whale standing in my way of the entrance. I poked his belly button and he got really embarassed and ran into the city blushing.

Typical whale.

-Hey What Have we Here? It Looks Interesting... oh man! I've Seen this Before! Ah.. ah what was it Called... Oh Yeah! It's the Hey Howdy Hey Woozy Woozy Totally Unbelievably Horse/Turtle-Like Gigantic Great but Forgetful Adventures of Haman J. Palamanikikila!

For even more strict and confidential reasons, the title of this Journal shall have no text at all. I think you all just might die. Yes. But you'll enjoy it, I promise you. I PWOMISEEE.

How many cheeses does it take to fly? NONE. THAT'S RIGHT SUCKAS. HAAAA! I just fooled JOOO.

All Presidential Nominee Penguins (Or, PNP for short) aside, let's go back to the story.

Okay. We're almost there now (SHUT UP JEREMY I'M TRYING TO DRIVE). A few more miles. And we'll be there.

(JERRRRREEEMMMYYY. I'M GONNA *bloop* your *bloopin* HIPPOPOTAMUS *bloop* *bloop* *bleep* CHICKENS *bleep* *bloooooooooooooop* HANDSTANDS? WHAT ARE YOU- *bleep* *bloop bloop* *BLEEP* Oh dogs I understand completely. Yes, yes I'll tell them.) Oh by the way guys, Jeremy sends his regards. Wait a minute.. I don't know any Jeremys. What are you talking about? Oh you oh so sillay people.

You know what you REALLY wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley?

Moving on.

What happened in the last journal? Angry beavers? Paintbrushes? Pfft yeah right. That was all in your silly willy imagination. And in mine too....

The beavers; there were thousands of them. I counted. "HEY STEVE! SARAH! JERRY! ADRIAN! HEY JIM! OHHH RICHARD HOW PLEASANT TO SEE YOU" and I waded through them. "CASSANDRA! AY-YO!" "WUSSAP BILL??!?!?! TELL ME WHAT'S GOOD, BILL!" and then they were gone. I love them. Suddenly I walk into another huge room. There, a man is sitting on top of... THE DISHWASHER! I FOUND IT!! I FOUUUNNNDDD IIITTT!!

Meanwhile the man is eating something. With a butter knife, he's scooping out and eating straight from the jar of... PEANUT BUTTER! "Mmm... ohh yeah" he says, scooping more into his mouth. "Oohhh.... this is good peanut but- OH MA GA THIS IS GOOD PEANUT BUTTER..." "oh yeah... I love this peanut butter... oh this is OH THIS IS IT IS!" And then with his mouth full he looks up and sees me. And then I look closer at the label on the peanut butter jar. "Wait a minute... that's MY peanut butter" I say angrily. With his mouth full he goes, "No.. no it's not" but it sounded more like "MPHMHGMPHHHHHH" BECAUSE HE TALKED WITH HIS FREAKIN MOUTH FULL THAT DISGUSTING PIG. "Yes... IT IS MY PEANUT BUTTER." I say. "NO!" he screams and runs.

"COME BACK HERE WITH MY PEANUT BUTTER" I scream. "NINJA CHAIRS; ATTACK!" he yells. 30 chairs fall from the ceiling, dressed in black. But they just kinda clatter and fall down. "NINJA CHAIRS! ATTACK!" He screams. But chairs can't move. They're inanimate. Silly silly man, he should have gotten ninja cows. the chairs looked like a pile o' gaabaagee and that's when I said "lol FAIL." he then recieved a very PAINFUL -emphasis on painful- blow to the fourth bone in his knee. NUMBA FOUR. OOH IT HURTS. He then yelled out something about the weather today and fell on the ground laughing. I chuckled.

So then I pulled out my handy dandy spatula and cooked up some burgers. "Mmm burgers" I said while slappin another on the grill. He then got up and said "CHOO CHOO MOO MOO" and those words stuck to me like glue for the rest of my life.

3 x 3 = 4 in MY textbook.

The burgers sizzled then ran away. "OH NO BURGERS COME BACK" I said. BUT THEY WON'T LISSTEEENNN. I then went up to the dishwasher *that he was no longer sitting on. oh ya* and put it in me pocket.

"I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN ME QUEST FOR DE DISHWASHER" I yelled. OH HAPPY SLAPPY DAY. I then did a victory dance which was a twist of a giraffe eating lasagna and a man with no arms and legs trying to yoga. It was quite the challenging dance BUT I DID IT AND I DID IT WITH STYLE.

I left the room and grabbed a plane with my big BEEFY hand. I jumped in the plane but I tripped and fell on my face. The pilot started crying so I read him a book. The book was called "How to conquer the universe and still have bologna as the overlord." It was filled with stories of a dog named skip who enjoyed eating frisbees. HE LOVED IT. But then I fired him. He was just NO GOOD in his job as pilot. So I took his place.

I then grabbed a microphone and yelled into it, "ALRIGHT KIDS IM GONNA FLY US TO DU MOON" the kids cheered me on. Bless those children. I grabbed that sticky thing that controls the plane. Haha sticks. So then I pushed the woozy woozy button *yeah they have that now* and we TOOK OFF.

Great flying I did. Great flying. But then I realized and thought too myself "HEY I PAYED TO RIDE THIS PLANE NOT FLY IT" and I jumped off. THEN I had AMAZING LUCK and fell into the starbucks where I needed to deliver the dishwasher. Oh you might want to look back to see why the fling dangles I had to get the dishwasher.

My quest was finally getting somewhere. Which is a good thing.

- Haman J. Palamanikikila just happens to be the main character of this amazing story and would like you to wash your hands with a fork and then use that fork to end world peace and start a war among the oceans.

Journal 10

For security and confidential purposes only, this journal shall remain nameless, and will only be referred to as "Journal 10". "OH MA GAA, NOOOOO" one might yell in fury and frustration like none have ever imagined. Alas, however, this is true. So one should NOT yell "OH MA GAA, NOOOOO" in fury and frustration like never imagined.

In my LAST journal, some interesting things happened. Interesting... LASAGNA! YA! LASAGNAA! I ate mucho lasagna. MU-MUCHO. I ate a special kind of lasagna, the kind of lasagna that turns cannibal and eats other lasagnas just to fatten itself up; it's like the meaty flesh of 3 lasagnas in one.

The portal I jumped through was QUITE badly positioned. It was on the ceiling. So when I jumped through I fell. And fell. And fell. And then I went SPLAT! but the little critters didn't care, they just continued applying their various cosmetics to look pretty. And when I got up, I said with a grin, "OH MY, YOU ARE SO QUITE SO PRETTY" and they smiled politely and spoke Russian. I must be getting closer.

I was in a dark cave of some sort, the ceiling very high up. I fell from that high ceiling, DID JOO KNOW THAAT? DIDJA? EHH? No. You didn't. Cause I never wrote anything like that in my journals. And you backtrack and read the previous paragraph, and you say "B-bu-but sir, you s-s-said that y-y-yu-you f-f-fell and f-f-fell and f-f-fell" and I say "NO." and you say "B-b-but" and I say "NO" and you say "B-B_B_BB__B-wEWdR##@-bB_$#%B_bs-ohmagawshthere'sachickeninhereit'seatingallmyfishpiesandIquitelikefishpiesbutIcan'tkeepmakingthembeausetheyjustEATthem456^jkg-B__b-B-B-UUUUTT" and I say "I SAY NO" and I slam the door in your face, but you were slightly to close to the door, so when I slammed it and the door hit your nose and you go "OH MY OWWWWW" and on the other side of the door I give a sly grin.

I walk into a connecting tunnel in the caves, and I emerge into this large carvern. There a woman is stirring a large pot. A VERY large pot. In fact, the pot was larger than the woman. I must also admit, the woman was MUCHO larger than the pot. And the dog was smaller than the pot and the woman, albeit so big the pot can go for a swim in his mouth. It was all so very confusing.

The woman turned around, and went "BARK BARK BARK!" and the dog cleared his throat, put on a monocle and spoke in a heavy French accent "Excuse my pet, she ees verry verry hyper zooday. Would zoo like some of her deelizious soup? She makes quite ze soup."

I said "OH NO GOOD SIR, I AM JUST LOOKING FOR THE SPESHUL DISHWASHER, FILLED WITH C-C-CA-CAA-CAAA-CAAAA-CAAAAA-CAAANDY GOIN FOR A RINSE" but the dog had fallen asleep. I walked on.

At this juncture in the narrative, I was feeling quite fatigued, so I fall asleep in mid step and fall down this inconveniently placed 60 foot hole. There were sharp rocks jutting out from the walls of this hole, and I get tossed around falling and flipping.

FLIPPING YOU SAY? OH QUITE.

As my body smacked into this particularly thick rock, (it had called out in frustration "AY, WATCH WHERE YER GOIN MORON". [And then I smacked into another rock who said "Why, I quite like this actually, hmm, yes"]) I spoke in my sleep. I said "Oh grandma, you smell nicely of lemons and toothpaste."

In Northern Iceland, my grandma jerks upright, and goes, "OH GRANDSON!" The unfortunate truth about this was that my grandmother lives in a nursing home with various other grandmothers and grandfathers, and her good friend Beatrice Ricey doesn't agree with that statement. She said "Ég er ekki sammála með þessi staðhæfing, í raun það gerir mig alveg mjög reiður, ó svo reiður. Ó nei öllum hundarnir mínir hafa skyndilega breytt í töfrandi töfrum yfirlýsingar kaldhæðni, nei!"

In other words, I woke up at the bottom of 60 foot pit of stunning magical irony statements with a migraine that now comforts me to this day, and recalling a dream of a piece of paper that wakes up and goes "OHHMMMM I'M GONNA EATCH YA" and I say to the paper "NOO DON'T. I HAVE SO MUCH TO INK FOR" and the paper goes "I HATE IT WHEN I GET INK ON ME" and then he... well he ate me. And I woke up.

Those little critters from earlier come bouncing through and say "MY THAT WAS A STRANGE DREAM". I say, "WOW YOU CAN SPEAK ENGLISH. COOL" and then the little critters smile politely and speak Russian. Except it was the dynamite version of Russian; it's Russian with some POW and some BOOM and some BOOM BOOM POW in it.

I get so mad I scream "AU CONTRAIRE SHOES EAT PEOPLE."

Then I see a light. A lit light. A lit light of the lighty brighty sighty farty variety. Heh. Farty. And then the subway train comes barreling through, sayin "CHOO CHOO BABAY BOY, CHOOO CHOO-EY!" And I see a tunnel. I go through the tunnel, and I go through it again, and again, because I liked this particular tunnel. It was made of scissors. "Yum, scissors." I said to myself.

And then there's a big EXPLOSION BOOM WOW WOAH FIRE and then the clorks come flattering down... WAIT MY BELUGA WHAAAALE. The... FOR-REKS-KS... come CLAT-TER-TERING... frown? No no that's not quite right. Down. DOWN WITH A PRETTAY PRETTAY FROWN, except it's no frown. It's a clown. A frowning clown, except they SUPPOSED TO BE SMILIIINNN AND CHIZ.

Chizzy chiz. Lizzy has some chizzy. CHIIIIZZZZ???

Anyway, the Tunnel of Forks came crashing down, (Wasn't it the Tunnel of Turtles? Or Scissors? Or Turtle Sculptures Made Out Of Scissors?) blocking my exit. It reminds me of my mother. I cry.

I stroll bravely forward. And then the swarm of beavers came.

It started with a low chittering noise. It slowly grew larger, and then coming around the corner, were literally thousands of beavers. The beavers looked QUITE angry. (However, reading the expressions of beavers were Dave's department.) They all held paintbrushes. "FOR DU CHEEEEEEEEEEESE" they screamed in fury. "WE'RE GUNNA PAINT CHOOOO" they yelled. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" I screamed.

It turned out to be a HUGE misunderstanding. In reality, the beavers were quite fuzzy.

-Some Brilliantly Clever Ending Note Thing Is Supposed To Go Here, However I Am Much Too Lazy To Write One Right Now, AND OH MA GAA MY DINNER IS READY. Really good friend, I leave you to read you. HA. That makes no sen- OOOH SPAGHETTI. NOW I REEAALLY MUST GO. Oh ya by the way my name is Haman J. Palamani somthin I can't concentrate on names right now, I really must go to eat some spaghetti.

Journal 9 - Climbing Up Everest.

AHAHAHA! YOU'RE SO FUNNY! GOOD JOKE MAN! GOOD JOKE!

You remind me of an artichoke I once knew..

I cry...

So anyways back to the story. That DELICIOUS story. The metallic fruit approached me with a look on their face like someone just kicked them in their rambugulars [ya it's an organ. LOOK IT UP!] They then said "You like... roaches?'' I said, "FREAK YA!" They then cried some explosive stuff. AW YA THAT'S GOOD STUFF!! They ran down the mountain and walked into a JCPenney's. They bought shoes of all sizes.

I kept climbing. I sang my favorite song all the way [Kick That Guy by Henry The Moose] I seemed to be screaming the lyrics, "KICK THAT GUY! KICK THAT GUY! MAKE HIM CRY! YOU'LL LOVE IT IF YA KICK THAT GUY!" I then approached a business man who was on the phone. At that point I was really getting into the lyrics and I kicked him in the face while saying "KICK THAT GUY, YA!" He fell on the floor in pain. He then started yelling at me and I peed my pants. He then laughed and screamed "HA YOU STUPID BABY. PEE YO PANTS." To which his partner on the other end of the phone heard, and somewhere far away, carried a puzzled look. He had a lot of explaining to do when he got back. Yes. Yes he did.

I then started wa- NOOOO DONT PUT THAT THERE! NO! NO! PUT I BACK! Whoa.. that was a close one. So anyways I then started walking up the mountain. I looked behind me. I saw a woman running around sayin' somethin' in Britainese. I went up to her, took a deep breath, breathed it back out, and walked away. I looked down the mountain. I had traveled about 3 yards. I was so close! I was tired. But I had to keep going. That dishwasher was alone and cold and I needed to comfort it.

I resumed my awesometastic climb, making sure my eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious cat was well fed. When I got there, a dendrochronological person was there, who stopped me and forced me to sing It's a Small World to the tune of the Indiana Jones theme song. It didn't fit.

I cried.

And cried.

And wiped my tears, sniffled a bit, and rubbed that cat I mentioned earlier with ointment.

Ointment. Ugghh gives me tha shivahs that's wha it does, mate. And that stupid idiom, "The fly in the ointment." Why? That's all I wanna know. WHYY?? I mean seriously, what STUPID fly would dare fly into some ointment? Doesn't he know all that awaits him is nice-smelling death? EHH??? DOES HE??? No matter. Back to my climb.

After singing It's a Small World, I punched that guy in du face and he cried. I felt bad, but now was not the time for answers. Or questions. Or questionable answers. Or answerable questions. Or unanswerable answers- wait what? Oh ya chicken nuggets.

Didn't you ever wonder why chicken nuggets is spelled so closely to Chuck Norris? I mean, there's chicken. Chicken. Chuck. Ya know, the whole square deal. Then nuggets. Nuggets, Norris, nationalism, ya know. The whole square deal.

Is it that chicken nuggets are Chuck Norris in food form? Does this then mean Chuck Norris is edible? But that means he can die if he's edible. OH NO COMPLICATED PARADOX I'LL ADDRESS YOU LATER.

Holy crap I get side-tracked easily. I need to focus on my primary goal, my secondary goal, trimary goal, and finally my ultimate quadary goal. Oh shnap that's a lot of goals.

WAIT A MINUTE. Let's recap my whole adventure. It is only now that I realize I've risked my life, escaped from impossible dilemma's, all because of a stupid Micheal Jackson CD that you can easily buy at Target's. Or Wal-Mart. You get the point.

Think about it. And REALLY think.

Are you thinking?

I doubt it.

If you had any normal thought processes at all, you wouldn't even be reading this journal, because normal thought processes are dull and monotonous. I LIKE USING BIG WOORRDDDSSS!!!!! I LIIEEKKKK IIITTTT. See what I mean with the whole side-tracking thing? My entire brain is a pulsing treadmill of thoughts.

Okay. Allow me to say what I must say. Before I start talking about butterflies. Wow... they're so pretty, and nice, and nicely pret- NO!!! I MUST NOT!!

Aw what the heck. Side-trackin ain't so bad. I mean who wants to hear about an awesome adventure all day? Don't ya wanna see the world? Universe? Bathroom? TOILET? Well I'm sure you do. And you will. When the time is left. Not right but left. The left time.

Time left.

Left time.

What?

I finally finished climbing the stupid mountain and found the cave.

"YA I FOUND THE CAVE WOO!" I said to myself in a loud voice that could be heard from Chili. I left the cave and jumped on a flying kangaroo. We flew to Chili. The Chililians started partying and they held a parade for me. IT WAS SO AMAZING I CRIED! They started to rub each others backs. I punched them all in the face.

They thanked me.

I then told them to go tell the mayor of Poobawooba Land that his shoes are tied. I didn't think they liked the plan very much 'cause they tied me to a rocket and sent me flying into a tree.

Ouch.

I died from the impact. An owl jumped out of the tree and rushed me to a hospital. The doctor there said "OH MY GOODNESS HE'S DEAD!" I then got up and said, "NUH-UH SISTA!" slapped the owl and left.

When I got outside I remembered the mission. The mission to go to the cave to go back to the Russian cook who will show me the way to Gaklama Kalama who would give me the documents which I would give to that Russian guy at the beginning of this journey who would give me the Michael Jackson CD. The CD that I just felt I needed.

Ya.

That's the plan.

I jumped in this portal at the side of the road. The portal took me..

Somewhere..

My last thoughts were....

What's with all the Russians??



- Ya Know Those Words Up There? Ya Those Words. They Are The Amazing Oozy Woozy Journal Entry Thingy's of That Guy Who Has a Face and I Called Him Steve Back in Community College Because He Preferred it From His Real Name Which is Haman J. Palamanikikila Which I Thought is a Better Name Than Steve but it's What He Preferred So I Went With it to a Magical Land Filled With Ding-Dong's and Ho-Ho's- Wait... HO-HO'S???

Journal 8 - Mountain of the Everest, Come and Give me an Arm Rest.

The Russian cooker person stared at me. "So.... you vant to find ze Gaklama?? I vill SHOW you ze way, vut, een veturn, you must geeve me a token of appreciation. To do theese task, you must first go to ze Himalaya's, and find ze secret tunnel een ze Mt. Everest. I have gone there, many time. Many many time. Vonce I dropped a deeshewasher down ze hole. Now, theese deeshewasher eez incredible. Eet can vash up to THREE deeshes at vonce. Now go. Go now. Ven you come back, I will show you the vay to Gaklama Kalama. Eez theese deal?? EEEZ EEEETTT AAHHH DEEEAAALLLLL??!?!!"

"Yeah sure it's a deal." I said, and scurried off to find the Magical Couch of Waterloo.

I went to JFK Airport, (JFK in Lima? You bet my fern on it!), and boarded a plane. It was a random plane, and I had no idea where it was going. I thought it said something about Mercury, but I wasn't so sure.

"Eh-eh-excuse meh-me, s-s-sir??" asked a flight attendant. "Wuh-wuh-wuh-would you like some p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pef-re-fpw-dfp-fep-epf-wpeo-peanuts, sir?" Wow. Poor thing was tremblin' like a leaf. A leaf covered in tape sauce, of course. I like tape sauce. I guzzle it by the gallon, every 2 and a half minutes. And tape sauce loves me too. Sometimes it climbs out of the baby crib by itself just to give me a hug. I like hugs. And I like tape sauce. Tape sauce is good, very good. I like things that are very good. I like a lot of things. I like liking a lot of things. I enjoy it. Tape sauce. Cover me man, tape sauce. I drink it outta the can.


Tape sauce.

Yeah.

So anyway, I was freakin right about it not going to the Himalaya's, but freakin wrong about it going to Mercury. I was going to the Sun yo. To bake some freakin potatoes. On a freakin hot surface. Like the freakin sun. DO YA SEE MY DILEMMA?

We WHOOSH!ed past the International Space Station, I waved "Hello!" to Elvis Presley, eating burgers on a giraffe with wings, and I saw a few of my zombie friends from the previous journals. One by one, they gave me wet, sloppy kisses on my cheek. It actually made sense that they were from outer space; you see, they were licked by ALIENs, remember? And aliens come from outer space.

Well..... we here at the company changed our minds, on your behalf. YOU, DEAR READER. WE CHANGED OUR UNCHANGEABLE WAYS JUST FOR YOUUUUU. So be freakin grateful. Sing us praises and send lemons to us in the mail. So, we changed our freakin minds. Aliens don't come from outer space, they come from cucumber gratings.

Duuhhh.

Anyway, I had to get out, and fast. I asked for the nearest wangos, and I asked the cute little bagel sitting by me. Wait.... where the aardvark did it come from? Nonetheless, I asked it, and in response, it starts tickling my feet. How weird is that?

I jump out of my seet, (YEAH I SPELLED SEAT WRONG. DEAL WITH IT.) nearly peeing myself in horror. It.... tickled... my... golden... lemon... coated... feet. It. Will. Pay. But later, when I ffffeeeel like it. Hey, I enjoy writing in italics. I'll keep it like this for a while. Whooo goin bold too. I'm just crazy. I'm insane. Well... enough is enough. I could have hurt myself back there.


I bump into thy flight attendant, and the kind young lady, who looked about 80 or so, directed me to the nearest parachutes.[I asked for wangos but parachutes are cool too.] I tried to thank her, but when I did, she kinda disintegrated. So I licked the ashes and moved on. I strap a parachute onto my leg, and I smash open a window. This is a crazy moment. I jump through the hamster sized window, fly past Elvis, (who finished his burger and is now listening to Lady Gaga), past the zombies, (I momenetarily wonder how they kissed me when they were outside the plane while I was in. I then come up with an advanced astrophysics theory, which, in a nutshell, stated that we never really exist), and I smash into the International Space Station, drink a soda, go to the bathroom, pet a pickle, made out with a pencil case, and then I was on my way to Earth.

I fly past the atmosphere, and the Himalaya's come rushing up to greet me. I think they said something about welcoming strangers, but I didn't listen. Oooh I'm bad. Lol. Anyway, I hung out with them back in the crazy days, where.... stuff... happened.

I activate the parachute, on my leg, and it pulls me upside down. ANOTHAH CRAZAH MOMENT. I land, do a somersault, lick a llama, tickle a pineapple, place delicate banana splits on a dolphin tentacles, and smash a waffle in it's FREAKIN FACE CAUSE IT MADE FUN OF ME BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL. He called me a human.

I miss the mountain by 16 miles, and I land on the Titanic. I see my grandma gorging herself with fruit. "Grandma... what you doing here?!?!" I yell, but I don't think she heard. She kinda slipped down into her seat, still stuffing as much fruit as possible into her mouth. She wore a large striped dress, and I think it used to be a tent. Juice trickled down her chin as she chewed the fruit monstrously. Her flabbulous body shook with each swallow.

She glanced up momentarily, and stopped dead. "I... I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT I GAVE BIRTH TO MY GRANDFATHER, WHO IS LUCKILY A FOOTBALL. SO DON'T YOU DARE MESS WITH ME." And she began to cry. The poor woman has gone insane. I go to comfort her, but she smashes some fruit in my face. I start crying. She's crying. We both cry, and we hug, and sniffle a bit. "Stay with me Phil. Don't you dare leave me again" she whispers in my ear. "I won't." I whisper back. Her tears cover the earth, and at last she joins Elvis. In outer space.

The Hungry Elephants[AND THEY WERE RLY HUNGRY TODAY!] of Greenland come stampeding through, drinking up all the tear juice. Their trunks turned hot pink in anticipation, and anxiety. It made me uneasy.

I looked around, and saw an avalanche comin' down Everest. Grandma was up in orbit. She was safe. I counted 42 big boulders rolling down the mountain. Along with 84 smaller rocks. They were white. Were they vanilla? Only one way to find out.

Yeah. I got bored of italics. It was enough. It was... too much. Too much man.

The boulders come flying down the mountain, kicking up dust and snow. It was amazing. At the top of the mountain, I could see the shape of Elvis snickering to himself. I'll have to get him later. And give him a whuppin'.


Now these entries and such have been all about me. But what about you? Do you wish to have a part in my most fandangulouus tale? Yes? WELL TOO FREAKIN BAD. YOU CANT BE A PART OF MY STORY! THAT'S JUST JIGGLY!! so instead you can just answer these questions. Are you fond of the letter D? Do you think my nose is too big? My walrus does smell of guavas?

...

Well did you answer them?? Well too bad if you didn't. Because I will now return to my story. right.... NOW!

Now these rocks were indeed white but they were also.. EXPLOSIVE! Yeah but they didn't explode. They were non-explosive explosive rocks. BUT TERRIFYING ALL THE SAME!

The rocks came my way and started to trample me. I then started saying things like "ouch" and "ooh that hurts!" and I recall saying at one point "my my my you've gotten taller!" but the rocks didn't hurt. They were actually quite relaxing.

The avalanche stopped. I got up. I looked around. I took a whiff of the air and smelled croissants. Burnt croissants. I hated the smell. It reminded me of the time I tripped in the 5th grade.

[Flashback.... 5th Grade...]

I was walkin down the hall arguing with my friend about antelope sleeping methods.

Then... disaster...

I tripped on this BIG THING! Everyone laughed. And then choked on some asparagus. And then laughed some more. It really sucked.

[It ends. Get on with your life, freakin stalkers. What, you wanna know every detail of my life?]

So when I was all done sniffen, I start ted to climb the mountain. [Haha. Start ted. Sounds funny] I climbed. And then climbed some more. And then I fell. Then I yelled at the mountain. Then I started to climb again. I looked at my watch. It said "DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK!" so I looked away.

Who needs the time anyways.

The mountain started to shake. I panicked. I don't like shakin. It ain't my thangggg.

I found a parade of metallic citrus fruit clanging down the hill, singing the National Anthem of Uruguay at the top of their heels, which caused all the shaking. I didn't like it. No sirree, I did not like this one bit.

- Super Amazin Wow Awesome Journals of the What the Hell Who's Bettah Than Haman J. Super Awesome, Need I Say His Last Name? Palamanikikila, Yeah I Guess I Do Gotta Say His Last Name Cause He Is Just Too Awesome.

Journal 7 - Peanuts. Always a Mystery to Me.

I hiked through the thick brush of the jungle. I don't mean a hair brush; although this place badly needed one. I soon met a walrus along the way. He offered me a bagel but I had to refuse. I refused man. CLICK HERE FOR AWESOMENESS.

Stupid old men. Always sticking their tongues out at people. What a freakin waste. Walrusses.

We were talking of Walrus, and of feet. Walrus feet. Yummy feet.

The Walrus looked at me, skeptically. He appeared to be sunbathing, on a rock. In the shade. "What do ya want?" he chirped to me.

"I need to find a man. His name is Gaklama Kalama. I was told he lives somewhere in the South America jungle, in Lima. Well... first of all, I need to find Lima. But not the lima bean, please, no beans." I still think, to this day, that he thought I meant the bean.

"Lima, eh?? Just walk back the way you came, and soon you'll come to an area of smashed trees. Don't wonder about what MADE the smashed trees, just pray and be hopeful you don't meet it. After that, you jump across the stepping stones in a busy rushing river. Then, you climb a small mountain of rock, and on the other side, is Lima. Here's a genetically mutated talking Map to help you find your way."

The Walrus gave us the map. It had large eyes, a mouth, and it started to sing. It was so freakin annoying.

"I'M THE MAP I'M THE MAP I'M THE FREAKIN MAP!!! I'M THE MAAAPPPP!!! NO NO SERIOUSLY DUDES. I'M A MAP. LOOK AT ME. JUST LOOK. IT'S OBVIOUS. SO OBVIOUS. I'M A MAAAAAAAAPP!!!! I'M THE MAP! I'M THE MAP! I'M THE MAAAAAPPAROONI!" sang Map.

"Oh gosh..." I said, shaking my head. This dude was a total idiot.

"There are three steps to get to Lima! SAY IT WITH ME!! Trees, River, Mountain! Trees, River, MOUNTAIN!! TREES, I SAY FREAKIN RIVER, MOUNTAAAIINNNNNN!!!!!"

Pfft. No way was I going to say it with him.

The Map then made a mad, yet disturbing, face and said "What the heck man, why won't you sing?!" then I was all like "Map, it's not my calling! I only sing if it's my calling!" He then gave me a hug and told me all about his fantastical, magical, weekend.

We left the Walrus to sun bathe. He seemed to be enjoying himself but looked like he needed some pants. Walrus pants, of course. They are cozy. Cozy like a blanket on your silly willy skin.

The Map and I then did everything the Walrus said. LIKE EVERYTHANG. We even did that dance he recommended. I know it doesn't say that so SHUTUP. JUST SHUT YO MOUTH! When we got to Lima we got a coffee. A Starbucks coffee. It tasted of blubber. The Map then pulled out a bubble blower and said "GIVE MEH DU MONAY!!"

I then said "Oh crap... I'm out of money." He said "Oh well, that's too bad" and jumped down a hole. A hole that is not fun to jump down. I then asked the cashier "Hey where's my mustard? I asked for mustard with my coffee." He didn't say anything. I then asked "Fine if you won't supply my mustardy needs, then where's Gaklama Kalama?" He pointed to the chef who was an old Russian woman.

Oh well. At least shes not smelling the forks.

- The Pretty Fricken Sweet Fabtastic Amazin like Raisins Adventures of the one and only Happy Slappy Haman J. Palamanikikila

Journal 6- Poor Poor Misunderstood Creatures

We last left off when I realized zombies really WERE flesh eating maniacs.

I dashed down the hallway, and turned the corner. The lights were off. I was scared.

I was really scared.

I slowed to a walk. And then, without warning, a zombie smashed through a store front behind me. A flood of about 30 or so followed. I shrieked. Like a lady. I ran through the hall, tripped, lost my second shoe, and kept on running.

The hall ended with a huge glass window, and I ran so hard I smashed straight through. Only then did I remember I was on the 7th floor of the mall. At least I wasn't on the 42nd floor. Hey, they don't call it the GREAT Mall for nothing.

I fell through the air, and smashed into a mattress. I'm thinking the same exact thing you are. Why DID they name thicker and darker text "bold" text? Why couldn't they have switched the name with "italic"?

What was that? You were thinking about pineapples? Gee, that sure shows how you're paying attention to the story. You're such a disgrace. And your breath stinks. Go wash it out with vinegar. And garlic oil. Please. You disgust me.

Where did that mattress come from? Why were they here? What was their purpose in life? The philosophical meanderings of mattresses are much funner to ponder than ours. While lying on this mattress I realized that I was quite sleepy. QUITE SLEEPAY. So then I started to nap.

I had dreams man. Dreams about unicorns, and multi-colored gummy bears. It was a magical dream. This dream would go great with some ceaser salad. Don't you agree? Well I agree. I agree quite thoroughly.

Then the freakin zombies. Those silly zombies... They then rained from the sky while yelling something in Portuguese. They all fell on my bony body and it hurt. Like a painful hurt of PAIN.

I groaned, and murmured, "Mom... I don't wanna go to school." "Mom. Leave me alone mom. NO, I DON'T want pineapple milk for breakfast. It's just not right." Then I realized it wasn't my mother. Then I realized I never had a mother, there were only grapes. Just GRAPES everywhere. Like all over the place.

So back to the zombies. They had smelly breath. It smelled of lemons and hair straightener. I'm usually fond of lemons, but not this time. It was a lemon gone wrong. Oh so wrong. The zombies then started to nibble my ears. It tickled a little but was mostly unpleasant. I then yelled at them to nibble their own ears but they just wouldn't listen. They didn't give me the respect I deserve. I DESERVE RESPECT FROM ZOMBIES.

Just then, an alien aircraft sped over the air and licked the zombie's fur. It was funny, but it only lasted a few microseconds. But wait... ZOMBIES DIDN'T HAVE FUR. Anyway, because of all the licking, they got up and just sorta wandered their own ways. I got up off the mattress, and it disappeared. I turned around. The Great Mall of China was gone too. In it's place was a mass jungle. A South American Jungle. I was confused, scared, and wanted a bath. A wet bath. Not a dry one. Those things are ridiculous. You know what? I DO want a dry bath. I also wanted to continue my nap, but I had work to do.

Dead Micheal Jackson counted on me.

- The Super Amazing Wondrous Wonderful Adventures of the Wow Look At Him Cool Dude Haman J. Freakin Palamanikikila.