Journal 8 - Mountain of the Everest, Come and Give me an Arm Rest.

The Russian cooker person stared at me. "So.... you vant to find ze Gaklama?? I vill SHOW you ze way, vut, een veturn, you must geeve me a token of appreciation. To do theese task, you must first go to ze Himalaya's, and find ze secret tunnel een ze Mt. Everest. I have gone there, many time. Many many time. Vonce I dropped a deeshewasher down ze hole. Now, theese deeshewasher eez incredible. Eet can vash up to THREE deeshes at vonce. Now go. Go now. Ven you come back, I will show you the vay to Gaklama Kalama. Eez theese deal?? EEEZ EEEETTT AAHHH DEEEAAALLLLL??!?!!"

"Yeah sure it's a deal." I said, and scurried off to find the Magical Couch of Waterloo.

I went to JFK Airport, (JFK in Lima? You bet my fern on it!), and boarded a plane. It was a random plane, and I had no idea where it was going. I thought it said something about Mercury, but I wasn't so sure.

"Eh-eh-excuse meh-me, s-s-sir??" asked a flight attendant. "Wuh-wuh-wuh-would you like some p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pef-re-fpw-dfp-fep-epf-wpeo-peanuts, sir?" Wow. Poor thing was tremblin' like a leaf. A leaf covered in tape sauce, of course. I like tape sauce. I guzzle it by the gallon, every 2 and a half minutes. And tape sauce loves me too. Sometimes it climbs out of the baby crib by itself just to give me a hug. I like hugs. And I like tape sauce. Tape sauce is good, very good. I like things that are very good. I like a lot of things. I like liking a lot of things. I enjoy it. Tape sauce. Cover me man, tape sauce. I drink it outta the can.


Tape sauce.

Yeah.

So anyway, I was freakin right about it not going to the Himalaya's, but freakin wrong about it going to Mercury. I was going to the Sun yo. To bake some freakin potatoes. On a freakin hot surface. Like the freakin sun. DO YA SEE MY DILEMMA?

We WHOOSH!ed past the International Space Station, I waved "Hello!" to Elvis Presley, eating burgers on a giraffe with wings, and I saw a few of my zombie friends from the previous journals. One by one, they gave me wet, sloppy kisses on my cheek. It actually made sense that they were from outer space; you see, they were licked by ALIENs, remember? And aliens come from outer space.

Well..... we here at the company changed our minds, on your behalf. YOU, DEAR READER. WE CHANGED OUR UNCHANGEABLE WAYS JUST FOR YOUUUUU. So be freakin grateful. Sing us praises and send lemons to us in the mail. So, we changed our freakin minds. Aliens don't come from outer space, they come from cucumber gratings.

Duuhhh.

Anyway, I had to get out, and fast. I asked for the nearest wangos, and I asked the cute little bagel sitting by me. Wait.... where the aardvark did it come from? Nonetheless, I asked it, and in response, it starts tickling my feet. How weird is that?

I jump out of my seet, (YEAH I SPELLED SEAT WRONG. DEAL WITH IT.) nearly peeing myself in horror. It.... tickled... my... golden... lemon... coated... feet. It. Will. Pay. But later, when I ffffeeeel like it. Hey, I enjoy writing in italics. I'll keep it like this for a while. Whooo goin bold too. I'm just crazy. I'm insane. Well... enough is enough. I could have hurt myself back there.


I bump into thy flight attendant, and the kind young lady, who looked about 80 or so, directed me to the nearest parachutes.[I asked for wangos but parachutes are cool too.] I tried to thank her, but when I did, she kinda disintegrated. So I licked the ashes and moved on. I strap a parachute onto my leg, and I smash open a window. This is a crazy moment. I jump through the hamster sized window, fly past Elvis, (who finished his burger and is now listening to Lady Gaga), past the zombies, (I momenetarily wonder how they kissed me when they were outside the plane while I was in. I then come up with an advanced astrophysics theory, which, in a nutshell, stated that we never really exist), and I smash into the International Space Station, drink a soda, go to the bathroom, pet a pickle, made out with a pencil case, and then I was on my way to Earth.

I fly past the atmosphere, and the Himalaya's come rushing up to greet me. I think they said something about welcoming strangers, but I didn't listen. Oooh I'm bad. Lol. Anyway, I hung out with them back in the crazy days, where.... stuff... happened.

I activate the parachute, on my leg, and it pulls me upside down. ANOTHAH CRAZAH MOMENT. I land, do a somersault, lick a llama, tickle a pineapple, place delicate banana splits on a dolphin tentacles, and smash a waffle in it's FREAKIN FACE CAUSE IT MADE FUN OF ME BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL. He called me a human.

I miss the mountain by 16 miles, and I land on the Titanic. I see my grandma gorging herself with fruit. "Grandma... what you doing here?!?!" I yell, but I don't think she heard. She kinda slipped down into her seat, still stuffing as much fruit as possible into her mouth. She wore a large striped dress, and I think it used to be a tent. Juice trickled down her chin as she chewed the fruit monstrously. Her flabbulous body shook with each swallow.

She glanced up momentarily, and stopped dead. "I... I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT I GAVE BIRTH TO MY GRANDFATHER, WHO IS LUCKILY A FOOTBALL. SO DON'T YOU DARE MESS WITH ME." And she began to cry. The poor woman has gone insane. I go to comfort her, but she smashes some fruit in my face. I start crying. She's crying. We both cry, and we hug, and sniffle a bit. "Stay with me Phil. Don't you dare leave me again" she whispers in my ear. "I won't." I whisper back. Her tears cover the earth, and at last she joins Elvis. In outer space.

The Hungry Elephants[AND THEY WERE RLY HUNGRY TODAY!] of Greenland come stampeding through, drinking up all the tear juice. Their trunks turned hot pink in anticipation, and anxiety. It made me uneasy.

I looked around, and saw an avalanche comin' down Everest. Grandma was up in orbit. She was safe. I counted 42 big boulders rolling down the mountain. Along with 84 smaller rocks. They were white. Were they vanilla? Only one way to find out.

Yeah. I got bored of italics. It was enough. It was... too much. Too much man.

The boulders come flying down the mountain, kicking up dust and snow. It was amazing. At the top of the mountain, I could see the shape of Elvis snickering to himself. I'll have to get him later. And give him a whuppin'.


Now these entries and such have been all about me. But what about you? Do you wish to have a part in my most fandangulouus tale? Yes? WELL TOO FREAKIN BAD. YOU CANT BE A PART OF MY STORY! THAT'S JUST JIGGLY!! so instead you can just answer these questions. Are you fond of the letter D? Do you think my nose is too big? My walrus does smell of guavas?

...

Well did you answer them?? Well too bad if you didn't. Because I will now return to my story. right.... NOW!

Now these rocks were indeed white but they were also.. EXPLOSIVE! Yeah but they didn't explode. They were non-explosive explosive rocks. BUT TERRIFYING ALL THE SAME!

The rocks came my way and started to trample me. I then started saying things like "ouch" and "ooh that hurts!" and I recall saying at one point "my my my you've gotten taller!" but the rocks didn't hurt. They were actually quite relaxing.

The avalanche stopped. I got up. I looked around. I took a whiff of the air and smelled croissants. Burnt croissants. I hated the smell. It reminded me of the time I tripped in the 5th grade.

[Flashback.... 5th Grade...]

I was walkin down the hall arguing with my friend about antelope sleeping methods.

Then... disaster...

I tripped on this BIG THING! Everyone laughed. And then choked on some asparagus. And then laughed some more. It really sucked.

[It ends. Get on with your life, freakin stalkers. What, you wanna know every detail of my life?]

So when I was all done sniffen, I start ted to climb the mountain. [Haha. Start ted. Sounds funny] I climbed. And then climbed some more. And then I fell. Then I yelled at the mountain. Then I started to climb again. I looked at my watch. It said "DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK!" so I looked away.

Who needs the time anyways.

The mountain started to shake. I panicked. I don't like shakin. It ain't my thangggg.

I found a parade of metallic citrus fruit clanging down the hill, singing the National Anthem of Uruguay at the top of their heels, which caused all the shaking. I didn't like it. No sirree, I did not like this one bit.

- Super Amazin Wow Awesome Journals of the What the Hell Who's Bettah Than Haman J. Super Awesome, Need I Say His Last Name? Palamanikikila, Yeah I Guess I Do Gotta Say His Last Name Cause He Is Just Too Awesome.